The Real Rob Taylor

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What now?

Anonymous asked: Hi Rob, just got back from holiday and I couldn't help wondering all the time I was away, how do 'Do Not Walk On The Grass' signs get there?

Thank you for asking this, a question which is all around us, but one which few have the sense - or courage - to ask. I commend your bravery. Incidentally, please accept my apologies for the six-month delay in responding. I’m afraid I really couldn’t be arsed until now.

Clearly, there are two principal methods of placing such a sign in its desired location. The method selected by the town council / groundskeeper / curmudgeon will depend, like most things, on their available ratio of time to money.

The time-rich lawnowner will invest in a high quality sign which will last for decades to come, and plant it while the ground lies fallow. Then they will plant the grass around it and wait for it to grow. This method is often favoured by private gardeners and lawnthusiasts.

The cash-rich lawnophile, however, may have inherited or bought their lawn ready-grown and wishes to waste no time in preventing people from enjoying his lawn. With this in mind the only option is to place the sign via airlift, usually using a Chinook helicopter borrowed from the airborne division of the local authority. In order to speed up the process, the sign is usually cheaply and hastily constructed (although at great expense to the taxpayer) and replaced by the same method approximately once every four to five weeks.

Anonymous asked: Given the Greek debt situation, isn't this a classic case of floccinaucinihilipilification? Is it safe to say that this a Greek tragedy?

If Greece’s debt situation cannot already be referred to as tragic, it’s certainly heading in that direction. Given that floccinaucinihilipilification means, according to Chambers, to give something little or no value, the answer to your question depends on your point of view.

From Greece’s side of the fence, its debt is currently valued at rather more than it can feasibly be expected to handle. However, if you’re a holder of Greek bonds, you could not be blamed for feeling that your investment is about to be floccinaucinihilipilificated.

Anonymous asked: Quest for you realrobtaylor... If a straight woman has a sex change operation to become a man, then have relations with men - is that woman straight of gay?

The prefixes hetero and homo both come from the Greek, meaning “other” and “man” respectively. So while s/he is having relations with men (literally homosexual behaviour) those same relations are also with someone of another gender (heterosexual behaviour).

So in this scenario the transsexual’s orientation is, strictly speaking, neither heterosexual nor homosexual. But semantically, his/her behaviour is, at the same time, both.

Anonymous asked: I was invited to dinner when I was in Greece for Lopado­temacho­selacho­galeo­kranio­leipsano­drim­hypo­trimmato­silphio­parao­melito­katakechy­meno­kichl­epi­kossypho­phatto­perister­alektryon­opte­kephallio­kigklo­peleio­lagoio­siraio­baphe­tragano­pterygon, and a debate ensued, kebab or shawerma? Or indeed Lopado­temacho­selacho­galeo­kranio­leipsano­drim­hypo­trimmato­silphio­parao­melito­katakechy­meno­kichl­epi­kossypho­phatto­perister­alektryon­opte­kephallio­kigklo­peleio­lagoio­siraio­baphe­tragano­pterygon? what say you?

Definitely shawerma.

Anonymous asked: Stilettos or knee high boots?

Not a quandary that I have ever personally had to wrestle with, but since the scope for sartorial error in this field is vast, I feel duty bound to offer my advice.

For a start, gigantic platforms are right out. A lady’s footwear should be at all times elegant and feminine, evoking images of a delicate feline step, not the ugly lumberings of Herman Munster, or Robbie Coltrane as Hagrid in the Harry Potter films.

A high heel must be exactly that: High. Mid-rise heels (where the sole sits at anything less than a 45 degree angle) are a cheat that any man will consciously or unconsciously spot from a mile away. Kitten heels (often the unfortunate choice of fuller-figured women) also fool nobody. Rather than giving the impression of elegance with the added bonus of comfort, they instead look like they started out as high heels when they were put on, but have been gradually crushed under the weight of the wearer. If a fat girl wants to look even heavier, kitten heels are just the thing.

If it’s comfort you’re after, then forget heels altogether. However, I must point out that, no matter what you have been led to believe, Ugg boots are an abomination against style, sexiness and elegance. They should be thrown in a pit, burned, covered over and never spoken of again.

High heels push up the calves and the buttocks. While this serves to keep them looking firm and supple, it also suggests the primal, animal act of presenting. The shoes as objects themselves may not be particularly sexy but, worn correctly, the effect they have on a woman’s movement is undeniably so. While confidence is sexy, a degree of vulnerability is charming. You can’t run in heels and if you try we’ll easily catch you. You know this, we know this, and it’s all part of the wonderful game of attraction.

So to answer your question, stiletto boots are a sartorial winner every time: The best of both worlds. Ankle, knee or thigh-high, you really can’t go wrong. If you’re going to do heels at all, do them properly, and for God’s sake keep them simple. The more design features they have (chrome heels, for example, or fake zips down the back) the more they look like they came from a pound shop for strippers.

One more thing: Whatever shoes you choose, make sure they fit. There are few things less sexy than seeing a woman on a night out, shuffling along like a child dressing up in her mum’s clothes because, while she just had to have that pair of leopard-print Louboutins in the sale, they only had them one size too big.

Anonymous asked: I want to find my dad who is living in Italy. MY Dad is probably a really nice guy but my mum has told me he's a loser. Can you help me out?

I don’t think I can help you out directly as finding estranged family members is really not my forte. But I might be able to bring a fresh perspective to the matter and, in doing so, maybe save you some time.

From your brief message, I’m going to assume the following:

1. You live in the UK.
2. Your mum and dad don’t get on.
3. You’ve either never met your dad, or he left you and your mum a long time ago.
4. You’re still in contact with your mum.
5. Your mum isn’t withholding your dad’s contact details.

The first thing to consider is how highly you rate your mum’s opinions. Do you think she’s a good judge of character? She clearly has her reasons for not liking your dad, but has she since got happily married to a wonderful man who has done all he can to bring you up well in your dad’s absence? Or has she had a thousand turbulent, short-term relationships that seem to break down for the same-but-different reasons every week?

If the former scenario is closer to the truth, there’s a reasonable chance you’re dad’s the loser your mum says he is. If the latter, then it’s probably worth seeking him out and judging for yourself.

The second important factor to take into consideration is whether your dad wants to be found at all. If he’s on the run from the CSA (or worse… in which case see above) he may have gone to all kinds of lengths to cover his tracks, making him difficult to find even for a government agency, never mind a private individual.

But whether or not this is the case (and assuming you’ve already tried searching Google, Facebook, LinkedIn and the rest) try a more direct approach. Go to the part of Italy you last knew him to be in, show an old photograph of him to everyone and ask if they’ve seen him. It might just work, even if not right away, and you can always set up a special email address or Facebook group for people to contact you on if they happen to see him after you leave.

If you know the town he’s living in, visit the town hall. They’ll have some kind of electoral roll and you should be able to find him on there.

If that doesn’t work, well, it will still have been quite an adventure, and you may find some peace knowing that you did the best you could.

Good luck!

Anonymous asked: Hi The Real Rob, this has bin bovering me for quite sumtime....If peeple from Poland are called Poles, why aint peeple from Holland called Holes?

Whats yor take?

The people we, in English, call Poles refer to themselves as Polski, and those from Holland call themselves Hollanders. It is therefore the structure of the English language to which your question refers, rather than the demonyms themselves.

The answer is simply that there is only one L in the word “Poland” and two in “Holland”. (I can see that written English isn’t your strong suit, so fair enough.)

Not really very interesting at all. However, if you’d asked why we refer to people from Holland as Dutch, that’s a different matter entirely. Because I have no idea.

Anonymous asked: I was once told by a so-called 'wise man' that there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. Is this true?

If only. There is a Chinese Proverb that goes, “He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.” However, there are three types of questions which only idiots ask.

Rhetorical questions tend to be a pretty sure-fire waste of breath and are commonly used by the chronically insecure to bring down those around them. A few examples:

• Chips? Again?
• What kind of question is that?
• What do you mean you haven’t done your homework?

Then there are questions which are stupid because they are wrong, in that they completely miss the point of asking anything at all. (The question which really needs to be asked is in brackets.)

• What do you mean you don’t know? (Shall we work together to find a solution to this problem?)
• Why are you pointing that gun at me? (How can I get you to stop pointing that gun at me?)
• Why me? (How can I offload this apparently randomly-allocated responsibility onto someone else?)

But by far the most exceptionally idiotic question is anything levelled at a member of airport security staff. Typically:

• Why can’t I take my bottle of water onto the plane?
• Why do I have to remove my shoes for inspection?
• What do you mean I’ve got to check in my circular saw*?

In all cases, you’re never going to get a straight answer, it won’t make any difference to whether you must comply and you’re pissing off everyone in the queue behind you who has ever flown before.

*True story: Flying from Manchester to Heathrow one New Year’s Day, I spotted a complete circular saw in the acrylic tub of sharp objects confiscated from hand luggage. Being one of the daftest things I had ever seen, and as it was a quiet day to fly, I asked the security guard if I could take a photograph of it with my phone. He said no.

Stupid question.